Thursday, 22 January 2004

the hatred seemed so intense that even self destruction cannot redeem me. as if its rotting in my body, devouring me, and controlling me. and i allow it to continue. should the day come when full realization slaps me in the face? shall i know that i can blame no one but myself, my fault, that has caused the end? and the end seems so near, teasing me with a feather, with the mirage of happiness that will shatter at any moment. and the devaluation of myself, the pain of knowing im worth nothing, not a dime, not a cent, not the dust that floats beneath your feet… this self loathing manifests over me, until my mere memory disgusts me… and still it entwines me, suffocates me… the excruciating pain of self detestation encoils me so thightly that my thrashing, twisting and turning cannot hinder it. and i reach out for God, praying He forgive me, pleading for another chance… He smiles softly, then pushes me off the edge of earth, of humanity, and all i feel is the wind tickling by as i plunging through this nightmarish fall… trying hard to wake up, to wrench myself from these sins that bind me, and break out from this misery… and i see you in the crowds, jeering and laughing, cheering at my decend… and the pain breaks me as i splatter into the engulfing flames below… and i escape into misty oblivion… to where devils and demons welcome me with outstretched arms… and Satan’s work is done.

…don’t even start trying to analyze my dreams…

-da-

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